Tuesday 10 September 2019

I have some Jewish background - can my children have B'Mitzvahs?

Thanks for your question.

Let me first emphasise that we try to be very open and welcoming to all, and especially to welcome back and support those with Jewish background etc.

You ahve told me that you had a Jewish father but no Jewish upbringing.

Our rules are in most ways more liberal and open than the orthodox part of the community.  Unlike them, we welcome and consider someone Jewish if they have only one Jewish parent - whether father OR mother - HOWEVER there is an important caveat - IF they have had a Jewish upbringing (and consider themselves solely Jewish) and that upbringing has been marked by 'Timely acts of Jewish life' - which would be things like circumcision, observing lighting Shabbat candles and Friday night dinner (sometimes), attending Passover Seders, celebrating the New Year and Day of Atonement, attending religion school, and having a Bar or Bat Mitzvah.

At this point I should explain that we go out of our way to treat both (and all) genders as equal. We have started using the term 'Beyt Mitzvah', 'House of Commandments' in place or Bar (son) or bat (daughter) Mitzvah because we recognise that some kids are gender fluid or have gender dysphoria and we do not want to add to the pressure to be something they don't presently feel fopr themselves.  However in one regard we have realised that we need to be (and usually are) slightly more lenient - otherwise we end up being 'more orthodox than the orthodox', which is not a situation we are comfortable with!  So if a woman has a Jewish mother - EVEN if she has had NO Jewish upbringing - but would be counted as Jewish by the orthodox, then in practice we will often also welcome her (though we would encourage and assist her to do some top-up studies to make her feel more knowldgeable and better equipped to take on her Jewish identity).   

Sadly, in your case with a Jewish father but no Jewish upbringing, we really can't yet count you as Jewish.  However we would recognise you had a Jewish father and wished to take on your Jewish identity, and would outline some reading and studies so that, in due course, you could go before the Bet Din (a Jewish 'court' - three friendly progressive Rabbis who are again there to support and welcome you back!).

In the meantime, however, your children are not Jewish and therefore we cannot offer them a 'Bayt Mitzvah'.  I am so sorry, and aware that this may sound harsh.

If all of you are really keen (and I of course believe that progressive Judaism is a wonderful framework for a modern, meaningful, spiritual life), then what I would propose is that we work out a program which you can all journey on together.  You would do the bulk of the work - reading, some coursework - the course is done at your own speed and takes a minimum of a year but as long as you wish - and you would interpret and relay it to the kids at their levels, discuss together, start doing some celebrations - and teach yourselves to read hebrew (I have an easy and fun self-learning book). This would include the children participating in Religion School.

At an appropriate stage, you would then go to the Bet Din together and all have your Jewish status confirmed - and then we get to start on the BMs (Bar, Bat and Beyt Mitzvah is simply the Jewish way to say 'teenage').  Once they have turned 13, children can be counted as part of the adult community and may lead the service and read from Torah. The first time they do this - which might be 14, 15 or older - we celebrate their involvement wity teh BM celebrations. 

After Religion School, the children would join the BM class to prepare the prayers of the service and some verses from the week's Torah portion. 

I fully realise that is a major commitment and undertaking for families.  But it is also a wonderful opportunity to kearn and bond and share something valuable for the rest of your lives, and there are not so many things you can truly say that about.

Let me know your thoughts, once you've discussed it, and if you want to proceed, I'll be absolutely delighted to assist!  

L'shalom



Rabbi Jonathan

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