I have some Jewish background - can my children have B'Mitzvahs?

Thanks for your question.

Let me first emphasise that we try to be very open and welcoming to all, and especially to welcome back and support those with Jewish background etc.

You ahve told me that you had a Jewish father but no Jewish upbringing.

Our rules are in most ways more liberal and open than the orthodox part of the community.  Unlike them, we welcome and consider someone Jewish if they have only one Jewish parent - whether father OR mother - HOWEVER there is an important caveat - IF they have had a Jewish upbringing (and consider themselves solely Jewish) and that upbringing has been marked by 'Timely acts of Jewish life' - which would be things like circumcision, observing lighting Shabbat candles and Friday night dinner (sometimes), attending Passover Seders, celebrating the New Year and Day of Atonement, attending religion school, and having a Bar or Bat Mitzvah.

At this point I should explain that we go out of our way to treat both (and all) genders as equal. We have started using the term 'Beyt Mitzvah', 'House of Commandments' in place or Bar (son) or bat (daughter) Mitzvah because we recognise that some kids are gender fluid or have gender dysphoria and we do not want to add to the pressure to be something they don't presently feel fopr themselves.  However in one regard we have realised that we need to be (and usually are) slightly more lenient - otherwise we end up being 'more orthodox than the orthodox', which is not a situation we are comfortable with!  So if a woman has a Jewish mother - EVEN if she has had NO Jewish upbringing - but would be counted as Jewish by the orthodox, then in practice we will often also welcome her (though we would encourage and assist her to do some top-up studies to make her feel more knowldgeable and better equipped to take on her Jewish identity).   

Sadly, in your case with a Jewish father but no Jewish upbringing, we really can't yet count you as Jewish.  However we would recognise you had a Jewish father and wished to take on your Jewish identity, and would outline some reading and studies so that, in due course, you could go before the Bet Din (a Jewish 'court' - three friendly progressive Rabbis who are again there to support and welcome you back!).

In the meantime, however, your children are not Jewish and therefore we cannot offer them a 'Bayt Mitzvah'.  I am so sorry, and aware that this may sound harsh.

If all of you are really keen (and I of course believe that progressive Judaism is a wonderful framework for a modern, meaningful, spiritual life), then what I would propose is that we work out a program which you can all journey on together.  You would do the bulk of the work - reading, some coursework - the course is done at your own speed and takes a minimum of a year but as long as you wish - and you would interpret and relay it to the kids at their levels, discuss together, start doing some celebrations - and teach yourselves to read hebrew (I have an easy and fun self-learning book). This would include the children participating in Religion School.

At an appropriate stage, you would then go to the Bet Din together and all have your Jewish status confirmed - and then we get to start on the BMs (Bar, Bat and Beyt Mitzvah is simply the Jewish way to say 'teenage').  Once they have turned 13, children can be counted as part of the adult community and may lead the service and read from Torah. The first time they do this - which might be 14, 15 or older - we celebrate their involvement wity teh BM celebrations. 

After Religion School, the children would join the BM class to prepare the prayers of the service and some verses from the week's Torah portion. 

I fully realise that is a major commitment and undertaking for families.  But it is also a wonderful opportunity to kearn and bond and share something valuable for the rest of your lives, and there are not so many things you can truly say that about.

Let me know your thoughts, once you've discussed it, and if you want to proceed, I'll be absolutely delighted to assist!  

L'shalom

Rabbi Jonathan

On Conversion, Marriage and Status of Children

Hello,
My name is Deborah, I am Jewish, however my partner who I have been going
out with for 8 years is not. The option of him converting has been discussed
over the last few years. I think his conversion needs to be done through a
liberal/progressive movement though, as we have looked into and spoken to a
orthadox rabbi and it's honestly just too hard.

My question is, if my partner converts through a liberal/progressive shul (synagogue) I
am aware we would ultimately end up getting married by a liberal/progressive
rabbi. Therefore, is our marriage considered Jewish? And when we ultimately
have children and we gave them bar/bat-mitzvahs do they take on the
liberal/progressive identity or would they still be considered orthadox
because of me no matter where they were given bar/bat-mitzvahs and no matter
where we got married?

Please let me know.
Many thanks.
Deborah

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Rabbi Jonathan responds:

Many thanks for your message and honesty, Deborah.

The bottom line is what you want conversion for?

If your partner is not interested in converting to Judaism, we can't convert him.  If he (and you) wish to be orthodox, we're not the right address for you.

If you both want to have a meaningful Jewish life that believes in welcoming sincere converts without making it too difficult, then we may be the right place.

However you have given no information as to where you are located.  To convert you have to be able to be part of a Jewish community.

Conversion takes a minimum of a year - realistically it usually takes more like two - and includes circumcision (for males) and mikveh (ritual immersion), which concludes the process.

I would point out, though, that we run an Introduction to Judaism course (which can be done on-line), which is the 'academic' side of the Conversion course.  Your partner (or you both) would be welcome to undertake this, and would both then know and understand more about Judaism and our perspectives, and would be better equipped to understand Judaism, discuss with family, raise children in a Jewish home, and know whether or not he wished to continue to conversion at some point.  You'll find details here:

http://pjv.org.au/education/introduction-judaism-online

Regarding your wedding questions:

The Progressive Movement in Australia, New Zealand and Asia only does marriage between two Jews.

If your partner converted with us, he would sadly not be accepted as Jewish in the eyes of most orthodox, and therefore you would not be able to get married in an orthodox synagogue.

However, since the orthodox observe the matrilineal rule, if the mother is accepted as Jewish by the orthodox, then so are the children.  Therefore, from the narrow point of view of the Jewish status of the children, it makes no difference whether your partner does not convert, or converts through the Progressive movement, or converts through the orthodox system.

Wanting a 'Chuppah' (a Jewish wedding under the canopy) is certainly not a good enough reason to convert and take on an entire framework and world view of belief and practice.  However, if a couple are both born Jewish, or if one converts through our Bet Din (Jewish court), then of course we'd be delighted to conduct a Chuppah.  A past orthodox Chief Rabbi of Great Britain and the Commonwealth, Rabbi Jakobovitz, ruled that if a couple could have been married by the orthodox, then the children are counted as Jews, whether they are married in a Progressive or orthodox ceremony.   

Therefore, they could if you chose celebrate Bar and Bat Mitzvah in orthodox synagogues (though your husband would not be able to be involved, whereas in a Progressive congregation they could).

I hope this is helpful.

Please don't hesitate to contact me with any further questions, or to make an appointment to come together to chat about it all, without obligation of course!  And if you might be interested, why not come along to a service or two to see if you feel comfortable with our lovely, friendly community in East Kew?

Shabbat Shalom

Rabbi Jonathan